Oct 31

I Am Still Me, and Yet, I am Not

I try to show the world that I am still myself, that I am okay, that I can still laugh and work and play and study, but I fail. I am not still the me I was. I won’t ever be that me again. That dreamy eyed newlywed basking in the glow of a love so intense I still do not comprehend it. I was not a naïve bride of twenty-one as I once was.

I thought I knew.

I thought I was prepared to be whatever my love needed me to be. I knew that I could be a caregiver if only I had been called upon to do so. I knew that I could be a partner in ministry if only we had had the time to be in ministry together. I knew that I could be all that my husband needed me to be for all the days of his life.

I just did not know that I would be called upon to mourn so soon. I did not know that I would be asked to honor his last wishes so quickly. How could I have known that when we spoke of things that were in the far off future that I would be called upon to handle them so soon?

 

 

When Will I Be Myself Again by Rabbi Lewis John Eron
“When will I be myself again?”
Some Tuesday, perhaps,
In the late afternoon,
Sitting quietly with a cup of tea,
And a cookie;
Or Wednesday, same time or later,
You will stir from a nap and see her;
You will pick up the phone to call her;
You will hear her voice – unexpected advice –
And maybe argue.
And you will not be frightened,
And you will not be sad,
And you will not be alone,
Not alone at all,
And your tears will warm you.
But not today,
And not tomorrow,
And not tomorrow’s tomorrow,
But some day,
Some Tuesday, late in the afternoon,
Sitting quietly with a cup of tea,
And a cookie;
And you will be yourself again

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1 comment

    • Frank D'Ambrosio on November 2, 2014 at 9:37 pm
    • Reply

    Beautiful reflection and closing poem. From my own experience, I am able to share with you the fact that we are never “still me”; we can never be the same person we were “before.” It just doesn’t work that way. If a person is blessed, that person will grow stronger from the pain; if a person is not so blessed, they will disintegrate into a pile of despair-good for nothing except to die. I honor you for carrying on in pursuit of your calling while handling the business of life along with making these arrangements.

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